Not truly healing? Stop blaming yourself. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

If you are like most who sought out guidance and healing from one or more sources yet didn’t experience the results you were craving…IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

When you place all of your trust and hope in someone else you thought was fully equipped to lead you in healing and developing, yet didn’t, you may assume you are the problem and beyond repair. And meanwhile part of the problem lies within you, YOU are NOT the problem. 

In the first three of nine years in leading others to heal and overcome the many challenges life presents, I discovered that 90% of the people I worked with had been to a multiple of sources for help yet didn’t attain the healing ❤️‍🩹 or answers they were desperately seeking. I began to seek answers as to why! I wanted to know if the client was the main problem or those who tried leading them. 

Amongst many of the realizations I had which I’ll share here today, I also discovered that the more I healed and developed myself, the greater my ability became to help others do the same. 

My intention, prayer, and hope in sharing this information is to reawaken you to the reality of your true potential to heal and become the man or woman who can create lifelong, meaningful relationships and experiences. 

In asking the many I worked with why they believe they didn’t experience quality results, I received and continue to receive the same and following feedback.

Four years ago, I received a call from a distressed mother, wanting to bring in her 19 year old who attempted to take his life after visiting with a psychiatrist. Dom expressed he was experiencing social anxiety and was told he’d have to learn to deal with it and work in environments with minimal interactions. 

Then, given a prescription for the symptom of anxiety.

Those kind of statements cause more harm and zero healing. The young one believed his future would continue to be painful and that he’d need to learn to cope with the pain for the rest of his life. 

Thing is, he wanted to work in environments with other people. He was never asked, “What kind of life do you envision for your future?” 

Dom is now 23, developed in his confidence, working in a prestigious, high demanding restaurant, face to face with clients who have very high expectations of service, moving up the ladder quickly and in healthy relationships, with a prosperous vision for his future. 

Hundreds were told by licensed professionals, Coach’s and even Pastors, to let it go and forgive, but were never taught or led through the process of forgiveness. Thing is, forgiveness is the most difficult process. Telling without teaching leads to more frustration. Very much like telling a 5 year old to focus in school when nobodies taught him how to focus and then deemed to be a failure for not succeeding, then goes on for the rest of his life being perceived, feeling and acting like one.

Many churches preach forgiveness. A select few actually lead one through the process of forgiveness. People are told that Jesus Christ set the standard for forgiveness and that they should too forgive. And meanwhile I fully agree, people need to be led through the process of forgiveness. The many who can’t seem to forgive feel guilty for not being able to accomplish the task, causing them to identify as harsh or judgmental people and lesser like Christ. 

Another client, DEA agent in her 40s was in relationship with another agent, came in destroyed, hardly able to speak through her pain. 

Her self belief had been chipped away and down to the bone for over half a decade in being in relationship with a master manipulator. They went to seek guidance from a counselor. The female counselor sided with the man as she was manipulated by him. His skill was on another level. He was honest about his wrong doing in sessions. The counselor believed he wanted to change and began siding with him, making her feel guilty and to blame. Back home, nothing changed. He deceived the counselor into believing his Fiancé was the problem. She told her, “You know, he’s trying to change. He’s being honest. Perhaps you should do the same!” 

The counselor fell short in discerning that he didn’t truly want change. She didn’t follow through with leading him through the steps to developing new habits in behavior, much less looked for the proof the change was taking place. Back home, he became stronger in his deceiving approach and she weaker in her being. 

The counselor also failed to empathize with her pain. Empathy and compassion play a huge role in healing others. Two elements scarce now a days. 

This happens because many professionals with great intentions haven’t healed themselves and or because they haven’t seen enough patterns to discern truths from lies. Not only that, but their approach is the only approach they know, so it’s really not any one’s fault as she was only doing what she was taught. 

Oh and my client in her forties, we quickly removed the deceitful beliefs that were placed on her and she now stands strong on her truths, away from people who resist change, healed and on her way to meeting the man she truly deserves. 

For the records, I follow and learn from a few of Coach’s, Therapist, Psychologist and Pastors. I am not saying that everyone isn’t developed in their ability and approach. Nor siding with one or the other. I also believe everyone has the potential to become greater within themselves, their intentions, knowing and approach, to deliver exceptional results to those who truly want and are willing to put in the work. In some cases, the leading isn’t the problem. 

As leaders of the afflicted we have a moral privilege and obligation to seek the highest level of understanding to help others heal and become one with the source within, so that they don’t have to depend on outside sources. Sources which will only lead them farther away from discovering their true potential and happiness. It’s our responsibility to work on healing ourselves and in holding ourselves to the highest of standards within our marriages, as parents, our habits and over all life, to be the example and to lead with conviction.

I believe a lack of conviction is the MAIN reason we fall short in leading others the way. I say we because I fell short many times. As said in one of my opening paragraphs, 

“I also discovered that the more I healed and developed myself, the greater my ability became to help others do the same.”

Once I understood it, I lived by it. Developing myself became my priority. If serving and healing is my mission, then consistent personal and relational development must be the objective. 

The following verse came to me when I understood this. 

“To him who much is given much is required.”

We want the greatest responsibility of healing lives, yet we don’t want to fulfill the requirement, to heal ourselves. This is the problem with most leading. 

If forgiveness is the main element to your healing, yet I haven’t truly forgiven those I allowed to hurt me, I will fail you. If you’re wanting to master Mt. Everest, who would you choose to lead you? The one who’s mastered it several times and led others to do the same, or someone who has studied it but hasn’t come anywhere near to mastery. 

You see those who make it to the top study people who made it to the top. Those who don’t, study people who don’t. The latter focus more on the symptoms and reasons which led people to fail. The first focus more on the reasons and actions that led people to overcome the deadly trenches. 

We are very well aware of the deadly traps and emotional symptoms but we never cause anyone to identify them, meanwhile focusing on healing and developing others into the future. 

Let me show you what happens when you’re being led by someone who hasn’t healed. 

If you appoint someone who is carrying an overload of anger and resentment because of personal experiences they haven’t overcome, in the process of expressing the harm you were done, they will project their emotional energy towards those who hurt you, causing your hurt to intensify even more, leading you farther away from healing. Or, they may make you out to be a victim, over justifying your pain. This is why I emphasize so much on healing one’s self first. 

I give credit to ALL who are in a position to heal and develop others as the position isn’t easy and comes with alot of responsibilities. I also don’t blame Drs and licensed professionals who are falling somewhat short as they had to endure learning through a system that forces them to do so under an enormous amount of pressure which causes many to lose themselves in the process. They don’t even have time to question if there’s more to it than what they’re being taught. And don’t get me wrong, most of what is learned is true, however, there are fundamental pieces of information missing. So, really, no one to blame. 

We all have a part to do. The leading, to develop daily to lead with conviction. Which means to heal and develop good habits and relationships. The ones looking for quality sources, to do your research, to be coachable and not fall prey to circumstances. Parents have the same moral obligation for their children. 

Most who reach out to me make the following sad statement, 

“I struggled so much to reach out to you because I’ve had so many bad experiences in getting help, but something told me this time would be different.”

This is sad! The stigma of “getting help” is frightening for many. 

Some were arrested for sharing their deepest secrets and further identified as failures, falling farther away from their destined path. 

My friend, there’s good quality help out here. Not a lot, but there is. YouTube is full of info. 

Truth is, you’ll never be drawn to or capture the quality of information you need if you don’t believe you deserve it and or you don’t believe good people exist anymore. It exists alright, aren’t you reading it? And take it from someone who doubted whether he deserved to live a fulfilling life to many times to count, YOU DO DESERVE IT!

Leaders, we must learn to lead with love, or we will only lead as far as our pain and ego can go. People are human, not another number in the system. You are human, be humane. 

Be wise in selecting the guidance to your healing, relationships and life. Don’t be afraid to ask personal questions. If they take offense by your questions, next. If you’re wanting me to lead your marriage to a place of healing well you better ask me how mines doing and look for the evidence support it. If you need healing through forgiveness, ask first what harm they’ve been done and if they have forgiven all who done them wrong. The energy in their response of the people who hurt them will tell. 

If their response is, “I forgave the people who hurt me.” they are lying. 

But if they say, “I forgave the people who I ALLOWED to hurt me.”, it’s sincere. 

If they become offended by your questions, next.

You don’t hire a mechanic who drives a broken car. 

My friend, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. There is only a problem within you. That can be solved and healed. 

Recommit, TODAY, to seeking the truths and wisdom which will lead to your healing and growth. Don’t believe you are a label, to blame, nor that you don’t have access to healing and an unlimited amount of potential. Over 80% of people are experiencing loneliness on some level and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. That goes to say you are not alone in your struggle and to encourage you to take a hold of the rope so that you don’t end up at the end of your life, full of pain and loneliness. Don’t let your casket ⚰️ say Potential. Instead, let it say, FULFILLMENT. 

If you’re feeling defeated or hopeless and anxious about your future, it’s a blessing. That’s your very body signaling you to seek a higher level of understanding of your past, the people who hurt you, your self worth and all of your self worths potential which secures your future, bringing peace to your heart. Understanding is what surpasses evil and the effects it’s had on you. Go hard on seeking to understand yourself and life more, and watch as peace will come over you. 

If I could save and inspire one person through this post I’ve succeeded. If some become offended, many points here today have been proven. It’s impossible to respond to anything or anyone with anger and defensiveness if you have healed, have a genuine heart for people and stand strong on moral beliefs. 

Peace be with you! 

Best regards,
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